Thought for the Day:
“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”
Zig Ziglar
Question for the Day:
Do you allow others to determine your worth?
I came across a video a couple of weeks ago that was so offensive to my sensibilities that I’m sure it shot my blood pressure up at least ten points. There’s a bootleg internet talk show host by the name of Kevin Samuels who apparently believes it’s his personal calling to savagely chin-check the advice-seeking women who call into his show. Instead of offering supportive, affirming and edifying feedback, he opts for the gloves off, gut punch straight to the heart, at least when it comes to black women. If you have a few minutes, hold on to your crowns ladies and check this out. *TRIGGER WARNING* https://m.worldstar.com/web/video.php?v=wshhl0vkpbMLOzA3XL3p
Now, from what I gather, he regularly makes it his business to “humble” women who have the audacity to set their standards for a potential partner higher than HE thinks they should. The woman in this video is successful in her own right. In a longer version of the video, she explains that she’s an entrepreneur who feels she has leveled up to the point of wanting a high earning man. Though it makes perfect sense to me that a six figure woman would aspire to marry a six figure man, Kevin “Steve Urkel” Samuels, proceeds to inquire about her height and dress size and rates her as “average at best,” which according to him, suggests that she is aiming too high and needs to just settle. What hurts most though is that, unfortunately, this guy is not alone in his opinion when it comes to what black women should have the nerve to expect.
Though painful to acknowledge, the story of the black women would be incomplete without including how this country has minimized, devalued, abused and emotionally violated us since our ancestors were first deposited onto American soil. Unprotected: The Emotional Lynching of Black Women
Enslaved African women were not allowed to refuse the white men who ravaged their bodies at will. They weren’t able to stop the sale of their husbands and children off to other plantations. They were denied the right to learn, use their voices, apply their minds or advocate for themselves and their families all while being expected to put the needs of white women and their families first. Black beauty has also been shoved to the far recesses of what is desirable according to European beauty standards. We are constantly reminded with every rap video and issue of Vogue that dark skin, wide hips, broad noses, and full lips are only acceptable on someone other than the black women who naturally posses them. White is the New Black
All this suggests that Black women already “rank” amongst the lowest in the American hierarchy, in terms of consideration, respect and appreciation. This is why a black man coming along to further cosign the idea that the “average” black woman has less of a right to high expectations, is especially infuriating. We expect to be underestimated, degraded, belittled, second guessed, and shut down by other folks. Yet, when our own men agree that it’s not only okay but “necessary” to put us down, then Wakanda, we have a problem.
To be clear people, God is not a respecter of persons. We all have equal access to his love and blessings so none of us has the right to try to dictate what God can or will do in someone else’s life. Yet, when it comes to a lot of these men they want to try to put limits on God’s favor when it comes to black women. Too many have fallen for the banana in the tailpipe and forgotten that the love and appreciation that a black man should have for a black woman is foundational to all that will sustain our families and community. Yet instead, men like Kevin Samuels have joined in the quest to diminish our worth by validating every negative assumption people make about us. Black women are more than “middle aged baby mamas” and a rating on a scale of 1-10. We are survivors, overcomers, nurturers, healers, wise women, and you best believe that if we’ve earned anything at all, we’ve worked our behinds off for it. In fact, a six figure earning black woman, has more than proven herself worthy of any man she wants if you ask me.
Though there could be some validity in some of us being more careful not to rule out good men who earn less, I recognize that I don’t get to tell someone else what to believe God for. All I know is that if Becky with the good hair can hold out for a six figure man, then so can Nakita, Sharonda and Deja. What I also know is that Kevin Samuels and any other man that thinks like him is sending a clear message to the women they are charged with protecting that we don’t matter, we don’t deserve to have criteria or standards, we shouldn’t expect much out of any man who would choose us, and that we should just take whatever we can get. The very queens who have sacrificed way more than they should have to support and nurture black men, are also the ones too many have decided are beneath them and unworthy of affection and respect.
White, skinny, mixed, exotic and/or lighter skinned women are allowed options and are granted the privilege of asking for what they want most. But black women are expected to settle and if they don’t, they’re written off as loud mouthed gold diggers who only care about what’s in a man’s wallet. Yet, I’m here to call foul. Black women, no matter how they rate on Samuel’s scale, can and SHOULD expect the same blessings as everyone else. Just because some of our men have lost sight of all that makes us valuable, doesn’t mean we have to agree.
Many of the men who reacted to this video mentioned that some women want to be “special” and “believe they’re an exception to the rule.” Well, if there was ever a woman who was special, to me it would be the black woman and, in my opinion, we are the very definition of the “exception to the rule.” Though society would like to count us out, we’ve only really lost when we allow ourselves to accept limitations that were never valid to begin with. Don’t ever let someone put restrictions on your vision, hopes, dreams or expectations. Never settle! Though life hasn’t been fair for a lot of us, neither is favor. It reaches whoever God says it will and there’s nothing any low vibrating, self hating, misogynist can do to stop it. Press on my sisters and always remain in the knowledge that you are blessed, highly favored, and unapologetically worthy.
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”
Song of Songs 4:7
“Instead of offering supportive, affirming and edifying feedback”
American society offers this in abundance, particularly women affirming other women. Kevin Samuels had many women calling themselves a 10 or nearly so who were not even close.
“The woman in this video is successful in her own right”
Good for her, but do you see a crowd of men lining up to date Oprah? Or do you know many men who would genuinely say, “ooooh, she’s the C.E.O., that’s soooooo sexy!”? Some people can no doubt find exceptions, but Kevin Samuels tried to explain that men and women tend to value different things.
“What hurts most though is that, unfortunately, this guy is not alone in his opinion when it comes to what black women should have the nerve to expect”
At some point, you have to listen to what your target market (i.e. single men) is telling you (whatever your race). If Kevin Samuels is not alone and your target market is saying it wants younger women with low body counts and no children, then older promiscuous women with children will be less sought-after, which will affect the likely outcomes of such women.
“Black beauty has also been shoved to the far recesses of what is desirable according to European beauty standards”
Not relevant, since we are talking about Kevin Samuels. Besides, people constantly bring race into the discussion unnecessarily. The ultimate theme behind Kevin Samuels’s shtick was people, irrespective of race, having a realistic estimation of their own value. Romans 12:3: “For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.”
“Too many have fallen for the banana in the tailpipe and forgotten that the love and appreciation that a black man should have for a black woman is foundational to all that will sustain our families and community”
If a black man finds women of other races desirable and pursues them, that is his choice, just like it is a woman’s choice to limit herself to only the highest earning men.
“In fact, a six figure earning black woman, has more than proven herself worthy of any man she wants if you ask me.”
“In fact” and “if you ask me” are a contradiction: is this a personal opinion or a fact? As far as I am concerned, women of any race can rate themselves as however worthy they want, but unless their target market agrees, their self-ratings are meaningless. Any businessperson will tell you that to succeed, you have to offer things your customers want at prices they are prepared to pay. You can tell your customers that they ought to view what you offer as worthy, but if they don’t agree, you won’t make a sale. If one woman offers everything men want for a low price and another woman offers very little that men want and demands a high price, the former is likely to get snapped up more quickly. Women are not objects, but the dating scene is a market like any other.
“All I know is that if Becky with the good hair can hold out for a six figure man, then so can Nakita, Sharonda and Deja”
All women are entitled to do this. Whether or not it will result in them getting one is another matter. Take care with hyphens.
“we don’t deserve to have criteria or standards”
The dating scene is a market like any other. Markets do not work on the basis of what people “deserve”. Markets work on the basis of what a buyer is able and willing to pay for the product and what a seller is able and willing to sell the product for. People can have whatever standards they want. Whether the standards result in the outcomes they want is another thing.
“But black women are expected to settle and if they don’t, they’re written off as loud mouthed gold diggers who only care about what’s in a man’s wallet”
Black women fulfilling this description should not have called Kevin Samuels’s show and perpetuated the stereotype. Stereotypes are often rooted in some measure of truth, as explained in this video where four black women discuss the “angry black woman” stereotype: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjTD_TcI8SI
“Just because some of our men have lost sight of all that makes us valuable, doesn’t mean we have to agree”
You can disagree with your “buyers” if you want, but maybe you are simply offering things black men are just not looking for? Generally speaking, buyers determine the value of commodities. Men have been shamed into silence for so long and so many women therefore simply don’t understand what men are looking for. Women are free to disagree if they want, but it doesn’t mean they will get the outcomes they want from their “buyers”.
“Well, if there was ever a woman who was special, to me it would be the black woman and, in my opinion, we are the very definition of the “exception to the rule.””
It is a shame Western society is now so dumbed down that even experienced writers who have worked as assistants to Hollywood writers do not know how to use the subjunctive mood correctly. It should read “if there were ever”, not “if there ever was” (which describes past situations). Anyway, this is beside the point. This is another self-contradiction. If everyone is a certain way, then by definition, they are no longer special or exceptions to the rule.
“Though society would like to count us out, we’ve only really lost when we allow ourselves to accept limitations that were never valid to begin with”
Women have the choice to accept feedback from their “buyers” or not. If they don’t, they risk not getting the outcomes they want.
“Never settle!”
This is why so many women remain single. They will not settle, even with men well above their SMV.
“It reaches whoever God says it will and there’s nothing any low vibrating, self hating, misogynist can do to stop it. Press on my sisters and always remain in the knowledge that you are blessed, highly favored, and unapologetically worthy.”
Since you want to bring God’s Word into this, many women went onto Kevin Samuels’s show saying “I deserve…”. Isaiah 64:6 makes it clear that nobody is worthy, hence why we all need a Saviour: “But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.”