Why You Hatin’?

Thought for the Day:

“I don’t have haters. I have fans in denial.”

Question for the Day:

Are you bothered by your haters?

I’m sure my decision to even write about haters has earned me at least a couple more, but it is what it is. I was having a conversation with someone not too long ago who was bothered by the fact that so many people seemed to dislike her for no real reason. She had always done the right things in life, finished school, is successful in her chosen profession and has never purposely hurt anyone. Yet still she asserts, “people just don’t like me.” Well, I’m writing this post for her today because talking to her was like talking to the iPhone 5 version of the CC I am today.

When I look back over my life, I don’t recall intentionally causing anyone harm. I’ve tried to be amicable, approachable, honest, and compassionate. I serve others and have done my best to make my parents proud by making good choices and doing what I thought was “the right thing.” Yet, like the woman I mentioned, I too have had to come to grips with the fact that even still, some people just don’t fool with me and though it took me a few decades, I’m finally cool with that.

Now, I can’t begin a conversation about haters without acknowledging the simple yet painful truth that it is a person’s right and prerogative not to like you and that doesn’t necessarily make them a hater. Personally, I’m well aware of my quirks. My energy is a bit extra at times. I’m a fan of the unnecessary use of big words, and my personal tastes pretty much run the gamut which is hard for everyone to understand. I don’t pigeon hole myself and am rarely what people expect me to be. I can be an intellectual empath one minute and be bumpin’ 90’s gansta rap the next. I’m a Christ-loving liberal which for many seems like an oxymoron (though it makes perfect sense to me) and I say what I mean and mean what I say. I don’t put on airs and have turned people off by excusing myself to pass gas or admitting that I’m broke when invited to go somewhere. I can very easily enjoy gospel music while drinking a daquiri and don’t really make apologies for it. Consequently, this makes me difficult to categorize and probably harder to like. So I’ve had to accept that being liked by everyone is nothing that any of us should aspire to. In fact, it likely says more about your authenticity and originality if you’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

Then there are others, who actually do like you. They admire you. They’re impressed with you and they would love to be where you are….. but they’d rather kiss a coronavirus positive Flava Flav in the mouth before admitting it. And those folks, my friends, are the haters.

First, it is critical to understand that “haters” don’t really hate you at all. Their reluctance to give you your props, celebrate you or support you has nothing to do with you but has everything to do with them. Haters are reminded of their own lack of progress every time they see someone else move ahead. Another person’s good choices just remind them of all the bad choices they’ve made and seeing another person elevate from humble beginnings or overcome adversity gives them no room to blame their lack of advancement on unfavorable circumstances. Sorry (Not Sorry): Rehab for the Apology Addict

From a psychological perspective, “hating” is nothing more than a defense mechanism we in the mental health field call ‘projection’ which is attributing the negative beliefs one holds about themselves onto someone else. “Hating on someone” is therefore simply a feeble attempt at masking one’s own self hate.

Second, there are levels to this thing.

Low Level Hating: These are the people who are not going to make any obvious moves to hold you back but they are also not going to help move you forward either. These folks are likely not going to subscribe to your mailing list (clears throat), share your posts (sips tea), attend your grand opening, donate to your non-profit, buy your products or like your Facebook page. They are really pretty tired of seeing your glow up and are not going to do anything to make you shine any brighter. In fact, the low level haters are just sitting back and biding time until they can finally bear witness to your eventual fall from grace.

High Level Hating: Now, these folks are a bit more dangerous because they are actually intentional about their efforts to stop your progression. They will literally tell lies about you, spread rumors, or bad mouth you to those who support you in hopes of tarnishing your reputation. When it gets really bad, high level haters might even steal from you, hijack your ideas, or even attempt to break up your family. High level haters won’t rest until you are once again back on their level.

Whether high or low level hating is at play, here are a few warning signs to be aware of just in case you’re on the come up and have suspicions about the people in your life.

They minimize your achievements by slapping the word ‘lil in front of everything you’ve earned. “We know you got your ‘lil degree now” or “I see you with your ‘lil business cards.” Overuse of the word ‘lil usually is the sign of a big hater.
They never acknowledge your efforts. No congrats, likes, shares, mentions, phone calls, texts or even so much as a smiley emoji when you’ve done something notable. But the minute you do something wrong or make a mistake, they’re all up in your inbox. Chile please…
They suffer from VERY early onset dementia because when asked to attend something in support of you they’ll always proclaim they “forgot.”
They make excuses for your success when they hear others praise you. “Well, you know she only got that job because the owner is her cousin,” or “she only started that business because her grandmother left her all that money.” Instead of trying to find the excuse for someone else’s success, haters should focus on the excuses they’ve made for their LACK of it.
They’re always pointing out what could go wrong. Haters like to make sure you know all about the worst case scenario and urge you to focus more on your back up plan. They like to use words like “just in case” or say stuff like, “I read those types of businesses don’t usually work out.” They’re always ready with a negative assessment or “warnings” that dampen your enthusiasm or make your dreams seem far-fetched, unnecessary and unrealistic.

Here’s the deal, some people just don’t like you and take no pleasure in watching your star rise. They will never support anything you do just because it’s you. And haters are gonna hate. They have their own internal hang ups that make it impossible for them to back you up and that’s okay. As a spiritual person, I know that what God has for me is for me and the same is true for you. There is nothing any human can do to stop God’s plan and purpose for your life and if He gave you the vision, He will also give you everything you need to bring it to fruition. Let the haters have their moment because they can never hold back a destiny that lies squarely in God’s hands.

And with that, I’ll end with a few lyrics from the song “Hate on Me” by one of my favs, Jill Scott. “You can try as you may, bring me down when I say, that it ain’t up to you, go on and do what you do. Hate on me hater, now or later ’cause I’m gonna do me, you’ll be mad baby. Go ‘head and hate on me hater, I’m not afraid, you can hate on me.”