The Struggle is Real

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Thought For the Day:

“Children are not a distraction from more important work.  They are the most important work.”

C.S. Lewis

Question For the Day:

Do you struggle with the sacrifice of motherhood?

The first time I saw the quote I’ve chosen for today,  I felt like crying.  In one line, C.S. Lewis was able to put into words a resolution to an internal struggle that I had carried for years.  A conversation with a friend yesterday helped confirm for me that I am not alone in this struggle.  As I have told you, I am a mother of three.  I was blessed with two sons ages fifteen and ten, and a daughter who is nine.  I wish I could say that I was fully prepared and established when I began having children.  I always admire women who have the foresight to get established in their career, prepare financially, get married, buy a home and then plan for their children when all of the pieces of the puzzle are in place.  This was not the case for me.  I met my husband, fell hard and fast, got pregnant, moved with him across country, shacked up, decided to go back to school, got married, struggled through some tough years of marriage, changed careers about three good times, and then had two more unplanned pregnancies before the dust finally settled.  Yes, it was ass backwards.  It’s only by the grace of God that we are still here after almost fourteen years.  People look at my family portrait at work and frequently comment on what a nice family I have, and I do.  But always remember, there is often a lot of struggle and hard years behind any strong family.  (That’s a side note)  Anyway, it’s a tough place to be when you realize you are still finding yourself while being charged with helping children find their way.  However, this is what happens when you haven’t planned properly for parenthood.

Now I’m not writing this post to beat myself up or any woman who has kind of backed into the role of mother.  I am not ashamed of any of the choices I’ve made because I have learned, and am learning from it all.   However, when you go into anything major like marriage or parenthood blind or ill-prepared, you will have to take the necessary time to clean up the messes, get organized, and devise a  plan.  This takes discipline and patience.  Before I had a family, I was always a risk taker.  If I didn’t like a job, I’d quit.  If I wanted to try something new, pursue an interesting opportunity, or pick up and move, then like Nike, I would just do it. But one of the aspects of having a family that I’ve struggled with most, is needing to postpone or limit what I get in my mind to do when it does not benefit my family.  I know it’s easy to say that women can have it all.  “Do you, girl” we say when encouraging one another. However, anyone who’s had children or cared for children at all knows that you can have it all until it becomes a burden for your children.  I can’t take opportunities that will pull me away from my children. I could accept assignments that will consume a lot of my time, but I’m not willing to have three kids at home missing me so that I can “do me.”  I have kept jobs that I would have quit much sooner if it weren’t for feeling a responsibility to contribute to the household so my children can be secure.  I would love to go out more and spend more money on myself, but if it will mean that my children will go without, then I make myself wait.  I know that many will say this is not a healthy perspective because after all, we do need to take care of ourselves before we will ever be good to anyone else.  But, I think in many ways it’s natural for a mother to sacrifice.  For me, I have even felt that I have lost time because of my responsibilities to my children.   I’ve always aspired to do great things with my life and while others were advancing in their careers, starting businesses, buying homes, publishing books, and such, I was in my apartment changing diapers, potty training, and getting Hooked on Phonics with a preschooler.  I felt like I was so behind.  Surely there were more important things I should be doing.   What about my writing and my dreams?  Have I lost something because I have a family?  Pre-children, I had an exciting life with lots of friends.  But after I had kids, I felt like I had let people down because I was more concerned with interviewing babysitters than interviewing for my dream job.   I wrestled for years with all of this but this quote from C.S. Lewis helped to bring it all into focus for me.

I realized that I could attain all the success that the world has to offer, but if my children are out in the world lost, broken, hurt, and confused then none of that would matter to me anyway.  Whatever God has for me, is for me.  This will be the case no matter how many kids were added to the mix.  There is no sin in putting your children first and accepting life on life’s terms.  This was the bed I made, and I am willing to make it comfortable and lie in it.  We as women probably can have it all, just maybe not at the same time.  If my children deserve the lion share of my focus for now, then so be it.  As long as you are making steady progress, no matter how slow, you will eventually reach your goals.  I am not sure if I will ever get the recognition I planned for but it matters to me that my children recognize that I am a good mother.  They may not ever know all of the sacrifices that have been made on their behalf, but if they become good people as a result then it was all well worth it.  Knowing that I gave this motherhood experience my very best effort means that there will always be a legacy here that I can be proud of no matter what other accolades I receive.  I can gamble with my own life, but when it comes to my babies, all bets are off.

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