The Real Cold War: Single vs. Married

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Thought For the Day:

Girls compete with each other.  Women empower one another.

Question For the Day:

“Do you support other women?

I don’t want to talk too much tonight.  I’m pretty exhausted.  I’m sure I’m no different from a lot of women with a lot on their plate. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world who could understand exactly how hectic the life of a working mother can be.  Yet realistically, I know women have been bringing home the bacon, frying it up in the pan and all that business since forever, so I get that I’m not special.  When I feel like I’m feeling tonight, I could really use the support and encouragement of another woman who understands.   I appreciate the sisterhood of womanhood.  I love men and I love my husband but let’s face it, there are limits to what men can understand about women. I think all women need a woman they can trust to talk with.  However, I’ve noticed that we have become so skeptical of each other that we can hardly humble ourselves enough to speak honestly to each another about anything.  Perhaps its all these reality shows that constantly portray us as weave-pulling banshees that plot on each other’s men.  Maybe it’s the impersonal relationships we’ve become accustomed to on Facebook and Twitter.  Perhaps it’s this reported man shortage that has us so territorial.  What she lookin’ at?  She think she cute. They’re hating on me, etc.  The competition can get downright ugly and I suspect it’s this alleged “man shortage” that could be to blame for pitting us against one another. I don’t know, but we as women need to figure it out and fix it.

For me, it has been harder to make new friends as a married woman.  Many of my single friends don’t talk with me as much anymore. Now granted, once you get married and have kids, life gets busier and more structured.  There is less time for talking on the phone and going out, but my need for friendship remains.  The bond that often exists between single women or divorced women seems so much tighter to me.  I guess this makes sense because there is no husband there to interrupt the relationship.  When you’re married you are supposed to consult your husband first and seek his support and comfort above your girlfriends.  Though this is great for a marraige, it doesn’t seem to work well in relationships with single girlfriends.  Now, if you’re married and lucky enough to befriend another married couple, you’ve hit the jackpot.  This is a wonderful scenario until one of the couple’s relationship struggles.  The camaraderie that you felt you had with another woman who understood the challenges of marriage, is now tense if you’re still trying to make your marriage work while they have moved on to heralding the joys of their newfound freedom.

  I have never been one to think I had one up on anyone because I’m married.  In fact, any woman who’s been married for any length of time knows that this is some hard ass ish!  Yes, you may have a husband but you still need your girlfriends to help you process things that only another woman who has loved a man would understand.    I remember being single and longing for a husband.  Back then, I found the challenges of singlehood to be unbearable and was sure that getting married would relieve all of my burdens.  Well, I now know that was a complete fallacy.  I do love being married, but I’ve since realized that I had it pretty good as a single woman too.  One is not better than the other.  Both have their unique benefits and challenges.  Both singlehood and marriage are as good as you make them and your gratitude for whatever marital status you have will determine what blessings flow from it.  But we women seem to think we have to play on one team or the other.  Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you should only rock with single people.  Some married woman could use the spontaneity and objectivity you bring to a friendship.  Sometimes you need someone who’s not married to help you see issues in your marraige for what they are instead of what you feel obligated to make them.  Married women shouldn’t assume every single woman wants their husband and subsequently erase all unmarried women from their contact lists.  I don’t know if the man shortage is real or not, but trust me, everybody doesn’t want your man.    And single women, don’t hate on the married sisters.  Believe it or not, they are likely struggling to navigate a very complicated institution  and are only putting on that “it’s all good” front because they don’t think you will understand.  Married women need your friendship, they just don’t want to be judged for their marital problems and advised to give it up just because that’s what you might have chosen to do.  Also, married friends can be a tremendous asset to single women as they prepare themselves for marriage.  Teaming up with a married woman is a great way to learn first hand from someone else’s trial and error.  And married women, I’m sure your single girlfriends could help keep you up on what’s hot and give you tips on how to spice things up in your marriage.  Keeping it one hundred, you know we can be prone to frumpiness the longer we are married and your single girlfriend will likely be the one to pull your coattail and let you know when it’s time for a make-over.  It could truly be a win-win if we put aside the petty beef.

The bottom line is both single and married women need support.  Yet, too often, single women assume married women are too busy being in love to care about what’s going on in their world.  Married women assume single women are too busy having fun to understand the challenges of marriage.  Let’s stop teaming up on opposite sides of the fence.  We all need each other and too often we waste energy sizing each other up based on what is or isn’t on our ring finger.  Let’s cut it out please, and leave that drama to the television housewives.  Those of us in the real world need to call a truce and get on with the business of womanhood.

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